Tuesday, November 2, 2010
M.I.A.
I haven't been on here in quite a while. I've been busy with working at Forver 21 and being a full-time student. Crazy thing is I don't have Internet at home either. I'm basically cut off from the cyber world. That is the reason why I feel out of place with life. Not because I don't have Internet but because I've had time to sit with my own thoughts. Even though I'm 19, I find my self in a place of dealing with my demons. Honestly, I hate it. Dealing with the choices I've made continues to be hard. It's not getting any better not really having anyone to depend on. I say that because every human has their own demons and baggage to deal with. Why would someone want to hear my sob story and attempt to make a way for me? I have my mom and sister. Their amazing but I refuse to place my burden on them; make them worry.
In addition, I'm in my second year of college, I'm applying to schools so I can transfer. I'm scared. I've worked so hard this past year to get to where I am today but I did encounter many obstacles. I'm scared I won't get accepted and feel like a failure again when I was in high school. I have the grades, I'm on honor roll, I work, I have an amazing personality, I'm balancing out alot but I still feel it isn't good enough for the assholes reading my application. I feel burnt out. I feel like my energy to continue on with school is slowly being sucked away from me. Fall 2009, I was geeked for school, now I don't mind missing class or lagging on assignments. I have the potential, I'm a smart girl but I still feel that I'm lost. I don't know exactly what I want to do in life. I mean, I want to be a journalist but I feel like something is missing. Weird, eh? I feel like I don't have control over my life anymore, that I'm striving from something that my heart isn't into anymore.
Then again, I have been feeling quite lonely. I have been holding resentment and hate within. For instance, I resent my father, I resent my ex-boyfriend, I resent all the fuckers who fucked me over. Who I gave my all to and hurt me beyond my breaking point. This resentment has lead to hate. I'm not the type of person to hate, I believe in peace and love. When someone has hurt me, it's hard for me to follow my own beliefs. If I could stab my ex-boyfriend in the heart and see him fail, I would adore it. Sounds crazy but thats how I feel. When I see him around school, I want to vomit because I still don't understand why I settled for someone who was below my radar, not my type, or even close to the type of guy I would ever sleep with. Sadly, I did. Had my glory moment but when I think about it now, it makes me sick. Yes, I'm not in the peachy mood. This is my outlet to vent, to get every fucking thing off my chest.
Oh, lets not forget my battle with religion. I've kept this battle secret for the past year. No one knows. I'm going through my stage of enlightenment to say the least. I want to see what else is in the world. To most they would consider that wrong. I'm the type of person who believes in love, peace, and equality. I love gay people. I support gay marriage. I'm pro choice. If a girl wants to get an abortion, that's her choice. I don't see pre-martial sex as wrong. I think it's better to have sex before marriage because when you have it with your husband you won't be disappointed. I believe in birth control. I believe that everyone is a sinner and the bible holds extreme rules for Christians to live by. I break a rule everyday but I don't repent because I know will do it the next day. It's hard because I come from a family of believers. I mean, I believe in God but I do live by my own beliefs. I believe in things Christians disagree with. I feel horrible about it which is why I've distanced myself from my church. I don't know where I am, what I want, what will happen in the future.
I will admit, I feel 10x better about writing all this shit I've kept inside for these past months.
xoxo, Rae.
In addition, I'm in my second year of college, I'm applying to schools so I can transfer. I'm scared. I've worked so hard this past year to get to where I am today but I did encounter many obstacles. I'm scared I won't get accepted and feel like a failure again when I was in high school. I have the grades, I'm on honor roll, I work, I have an amazing personality, I'm balancing out alot but I still feel it isn't good enough for the assholes reading my application. I feel burnt out. I feel like my energy to continue on with school is slowly being sucked away from me. Fall 2009, I was geeked for school, now I don't mind missing class or lagging on assignments. I have the potential, I'm a smart girl but I still feel that I'm lost. I don't know exactly what I want to do in life. I mean, I want to be a journalist but I feel like something is missing. Weird, eh? I feel like I don't have control over my life anymore, that I'm striving from something that my heart isn't into anymore.
Then again, I have been feeling quite lonely. I have been holding resentment and hate within. For instance, I resent my father, I resent my ex-boyfriend, I resent all the fuckers who fucked me over. Who I gave my all to and hurt me beyond my breaking point. This resentment has lead to hate. I'm not the type of person to hate, I believe in peace and love. When someone has hurt me, it's hard for me to follow my own beliefs. If I could stab my ex-boyfriend in the heart and see him fail, I would adore it. Sounds crazy but thats how I feel. When I see him around school, I want to vomit because I still don't understand why I settled for someone who was below my radar, not my type, or even close to the type of guy I would ever sleep with. Sadly, I did. Had my glory moment but when I think about it now, it makes me sick. Yes, I'm not in the peachy mood. This is my outlet to vent, to get every fucking thing off my chest.
Oh, lets not forget my battle with religion. I've kept this battle secret for the past year. No one knows. I'm going through my stage of enlightenment to say the least. I want to see what else is in the world. To most they would consider that wrong. I'm the type of person who believes in love, peace, and equality. I love gay people. I support gay marriage. I'm pro choice. If a girl wants to get an abortion, that's her choice. I don't see pre-martial sex as wrong. I think it's better to have sex before marriage because when you have it with your husband you won't be disappointed. I believe in birth control. I believe that everyone is a sinner and the bible holds extreme rules for Christians to live by. I break a rule everyday but I don't repent because I know will do it the next day. It's hard because I come from a family of believers. I mean, I believe in God but I do live by my own beliefs. I believe in things Christians disagree with. I feel horrible about it which is why I've distanced myself from my church. I don't know where I am, what I want, what will happen in the future.
I will admit, I feel 10x better about writing all this shit I've kept inside for these past months.
xoxo, Rae.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
My show is over!
Last night the season finale of "Teen Mom' aired. I didn't want it to end because I find these girls quite interesting. For two months, I've watched these girls deal with major stress issues I couldn't even image dealing with. To be honest, I would've stabbed the father of my child if I had to put up with a dudes foolishness!
Since it's over, now it's time for my blunt opinion of the girls:
Maci:
I feel that Maci is one of the few who is actually strong willed. To deal with Ryan shows how much she truely loves Bentley, who is the cutest boy I've seen on this earth. I wanted their relationship to work because they make such a great couple. After a few episodes, I wanted Maci to dump Ryan for the piece of shit he is. [Pardon my language] Ryan and Maci's family were trying so hard to make their relationship legit but Ryan doesn't care about anything. Honestly, I feel that Ryan is taking Maci and Bentley for granted due to his immaturety. I respect that after all the mess Ryan puts Maci through she's refains from speaking bad about him, she always sugarcoats the bluntness that needs to flow from her mouth!
Amber:
My favorite narotic mess! A lot of people continue to critize Amber and I've read plenty of blogs calling her all sorts of names. I understand why she's annoyed with Gary. It's the same situation with Ryan. Gary and Ryan NEVER show their feelings and keep everything within. I guess that's a guy thing but at times I felt Amber was a nagging hag. Gary was working, going to school, paying the bills and giving her a place to lay her head. Then again why would a girl want to move from being a dependent to her parents to her boyfriend? When Amber went out to look for her own apartment and look for jobs, I was cheering for her. It always help to have a sense of independence and she did! I hope Amber and Gary get back together, create a healthy relationship and raise that precious baby, Leah! Gosh, these couple made beautiful babies. In addition, I felt for Gary in the finale when he was talking to his mother about when he fist heard Leah's heartbeat and when times were good with Amber.
Farrah:
Now, I will admit I'm guilty of being hard of Farrah. Today I just found out the father of Sophia died in a car accident in Dec. 2008. I felt so bad because I can understand why Farrah would want to keep that information secret. Her mother, Debra, truely loves baby Sophia. Farrah is blessed that her parents is willing to help out Farrah while she's in school. Then again throughout the season Farrah did have moments of being very rude towards her parents. I just hope nothing but the best for Farrah.
Catelynn:
The luckiest girl on earth to have Tyler! Since the beginning I felt that Catelynn and Tyler made the right decision for their child. I couldn't imagine how hard it is to hand your child over to another couple and loose ties.Throughout the series you see that Carlie is happy with her new parents and will have a great life. In the end, they made the right decison and I wish that MTV would air their wedding! Overall, I felt they had the best ending.
I wonder why Ebony and Whitney didn't do "Teen Mom"
Since it's over, now it's time for my blunt opinion of the girls:
Maci:
I feel that Maci is one of the few who is actually strong willed. To deal with Ryan shows how much she truely loves Bentley, who is the cutest boy I've seen on this earth. I wanted their relationship to work because they make such a great couple. After a few episodes, I wanted Maci to dump Ryan for the piece of shit he is. [Pardon my language] Ryan and Maci's family were trying so hard to make their relationship legit but Ryan doesn't care about anything. Honestly, I feel that Ryan is taking Maci and Bentley for granted due to his immaturety. I respect that after all the mess Ryan puts Maci through she's refains from speaking bad about him, she always sugarcoats the bluntness that needs to flow from her mouth!
Amber:
My favorite narotic mess! A lot of people continue to critize Amber and I've read plenty of blogs calling her all sorts of names. I understand why she's annoyed with Gary. It's the same situation with Ryan. Gary and Ryan NEVER show their feelings and keep everything within. I guess that's a guy thing but at times I felt Amber was a nagging hag. Gary was working, going to school, paying the bills and giving her a place to lay her head. Then again why would a girl want to move from being a dependent to her parents to her boyfriend? When Amber went out to look for her own apartment and look for jobs, I was cheering for her. It always help to have a sense of independence and she did! I hope Amber and Gary get back together, create a healthy relationship and raise that precious baby, Leah! Gosh, these couple made beautiful babies. In addition, I felt for Gary in the finale when he was talking to his mother about when he fist heard Leah's heartbeat and when times were good with Amber.
Farrah:
Now, I will admit I'm guilty of being hard of Farrah. Today I just found out the father of Sophia died in a car accident in Dec. 2008. I felt so bad because I can understand why Farrah would want to keep that information secret. Her mother, Debra, truely loves baby Sophia. Farrah is blessed that her parents is willing to help out Farrah while she's in school. Then again throughout the season Farrah did have moments of being very rude towards her parents. I just hope nothing but the best for Farrah.
Catelynn:
The luckiest girl on earth to have Tyler! Since the beginning I felt that Catelynn and Tyler made the right decision for their child. I couldn't imagine how hard it is to hand your child over to another couple and loose ties.Throughout the series you see that Carlie is happy with her new parents and will have a great life. In the end, they made the right decison and I wish that MTV would air their wedding! Overall, I felt they had the best ending.
I wonder why Ebony and Whitney didn't do "Teen Mom"
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Expensive isn't always better
It's been raining in SoCal for the past week. Finally, today, the weather was normal. Sun-shining, air fresh and perfect time to shop! I normally shop everywhere, I mean everywhere. I was in downtown near the Santee Alley around the boutiques. My mom spotted these black rain-boots with a silver studded belt that made the boots look like motorcycle boots. Then I started saying in my head, "these boots look familiar." The previous night before I was on shopnastygal.com , a vintage website and I saw the same boots online. Online they were $46.00 before shipping and handling. I got the boots for $24.00 with tax. Basically, I got a deal.
Here are my new rain-boots.
Friday, January 22, 2010
McQueen is out of this world.
Alexander McQueen S/S/ 2010 Ad Campaign. This picture is out of this world.
Below are a few "ready to wear" pieces from McQueen's S/S 2010 Collection.
These are my favorites pieces to be honest.
Photographer: Nick Knight
These are my favorites pieces to be honest.
Photographer: Nick Knight
Outfit Lady Gaga wore in the "Bad Romance" video
Awards
My lovely chica Diana insisted on giving me an award and I was beyond happy.
The rules are to list ten things that make you happy and do one of them today. Also, link to the person who tagged you and pass it on to 10 other happy people .
Here are my Top 10 things:
1. God, my religion, my faith.
2. My unpredictable family, I love you all.
3. Pixie, my doggie.
4. High GPA. Getting A's and B's!
5. My friends.
6. Having money in my pocket
7. Getting my nails done with intense nail designs.
8. Shopping
9. Dancing
10. Music
I pass this on to:
Diana
The rules are to list ten things that make you happy and do one of them today. Also, link to the person who tagged you and pass it on to 10 other happy people .
Here are my Top 10 things:
1. God, my religion, my faith.
2. My unpredictable family, I love you all.
3. Pixie, my doggie.
4. High GPA. Getting A's and B's!
5. My friends.
6. Having money in my pocket
7. Getting my nails done with intense nail designs.
8. Shopping
9. Dancing
10. Music
I pass this on to:
Diana
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