M.I.A.

   I haven't been on here in quite a while. I've been busy with working at Forver 21 and being a full-time student. Crazy thing is I don't have Internet at home either. I'm basically cut off from the cyber world. That is the reason why I feel out of place with life. Not because I don't have Internet but because I've had time to sit with my own thoughts. Even though I'm 19, I find my self in a place of dealing with my demons. Honestly, I hate it. Dealing with the choices I've made continues to be hard. It's not getting any better not really having anyone to depend on. I say that because every human has their own demons and baggage to deal with. Why would someone want to hear my sob story and attempt to make a way for me? I have my mom and sister. Their amazing but I refuse to place my burden on them; make them worry.
     In addition, I'm in my second year of college, I'm applying to schools so I can transfer. I'm scared. I've worked so hard this past year to get to where I am today but I did encounter many obstacles. I'm scared I won't get accepted and feel like a failure again when I was in high school. I have the grades, I'm on honor roll, I work, I have an amazing personality, I'm balancing out alot but I still feel it isn't good enough for the assholes reading my application. I feel burnt out. I feel like my energy to continue on with school is slowly being sucked away from me. Fall 2009, I was geeked for school, now I don't mind missing class or lagging on assignments. I have the potential, I'm a smart girl but I still feel that I'm lost. I don't know exactly what I want to do in life. I mean, I want to be a journalist but I feel like something is missing. Weird, eh? I feel like I don't have control over my life anymore, that I'm striving from something that my heart isn't into anymore.
   Then again, I have been feeling quite lonely. I have been holding resentment and hate within. For instance,  I resent my father, I resent my ex-boyfriend, I resent all the fuckers who fucked me over. Who I gave my all to and hurt me beyond my breaking point. This resentment has lead to hate. I'm not the type of person to hate, I believe in peace and love. When someone has hurt me, it's hard for me to follow my own beliefs. If I could stab my ex-boyfriend in the heart and see him fail, I would adore it. Sounds crazy but thats how I feel. When I see him around school, I want to vomit because I still don't understand why I settled for someone who was below my radar, not my type, or even close to the type of guy I would ever sleep with. Sadly, I did. Had my glory moment but when I think about it now, it makes me sick. Yes, I'm not in the peachy mood. This is my outlet to vent, to get every fucking thing off my chest.
   Oh, lets not forget my battle with religion. I've kept this battle secret for the past year. No one knows. I'm going through my stage of enlightenment to say the least. I want to see what else is in the world. To most they would consider that wrong. I'm the type of person who believes in love, peace, and equality. I love gay people. I support gay marriage. I'm pro choice. If a girl wants to get an abortion, that's her choice. I don't see pre-martial sex as wrong. I think it's better to have sex before marriage because when you have it with your husband you won't be disappointed. I believe in birth control. I believe that everyone is a sinner and the bible holds extreme rules for Christians to live by. I break a rule everyday but I don't repent because I know will do it the next day. It's hard because I come from a family of believers. I mean, I believe in God but I do live by my own beliefs. I believe in things Christians disagree with. I feel horrible about it which is why I've distanced myself from my church. I don't know where I am, what I want, what will happen in the future.
  I will admit, I feel 10x better about writing all this shit I've kept inside for these past months.
xoxo, Rae.